Leading Without Triggers: The Science of Calm Communication feat. Dr. Dee Trudeau Poskas

In this episode, Alyssa sits down with Dr. Dee Trudeau Poskas to talk about how understanding your triggers can change the way you lead. They explore what happens in your brain when you’re under stress, how language shapes influence, and why self-awareness is the secret to better communication at work.

It’s a conversation about the science behind calm, confident leadership and how small language shifts can transform your team culture.

Why you should listen:
If you’ve ever walked away from a meeting thinking “I wish I’d handled that better,” this episode will help you understand why. Dr. Dee breaks down how to rewire your reactions, build trust through communication, and lead with presence instead of pressure.

3 Key Takeaways:
» Triggers aren’t bad - they’re clues that help you understand yourself and lead others with empathy.
» Changing your words changes your brain. Language can calm tension, build trust, and create influence.
» Great leaders don’t avoid emotion - they learn to use awareness and compassion to drive better results.

It's time to say "goodbye" to the Sunday Scaries.

Connect with Alyssa
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Transcript

0:01

Hey everyone. Welcome back to taking back Monday where we are saying goodbye to the Sunday scaries and hello to a brand new future of work. My name is Alyssa Nolte And I'm Dr. Dee, and we are going to have a fantastic conversation today. So Dr. D, tell us what is your origin story? so my origin story is we have to take it back a few years, but I was very fascinated with leadership. And I was in a corporation or organization that wanted to me to lead. And one of the first questions, uh, so we had a committee as part of, um, the leadership. So I was in charge of a certain program. I was probably in my twenties. It was for an embassy. A lot of pressure. And uh, one of the first questions was when I wanted to move the program forward, one of the people, a male said, you know, uh, what do you know about leadership? You're, you're a female. And I actually got triggered and it remind, that was like a pivotal piece for me to say to myself, how can I have these conversations in a leadership role? And. Not be in a defense. How can you just own my space and create compassion so I could be the role model for communication? And so what was exciting to us is that I thought we can speak better to each other. We can learn how to have the leadership around us, uh, speak with compassion and speak with better communication. And so that store that really re. Me, had me take ownership of, it's my responsibility to not get triggered and not settle. Those two things, I'm not gonna settle. I am going to help other people to be better in their communication, whether they're above me, lateral or below me. So that's my passion now is neuro communication, uh, which is a whole different phenomenon. So we did not plan this. Uh, but it's so funny because your origin story is, is someone to mine. I shared it to you before we started recording and like I hadn't heard it before and you hadn't heard mine before. So the fact that we both had semi similar experiences where a man told us that, you know, as a woman we weren't allowed to do X, Y, and Z tells me that this is probably not an uncommon experience for women who are coming up in leadership. And you and I kind of came to the same conclusion of like, okay, you know, like I can't let him bother me, but also I'm not gonna take it, right? Like, I'm gonna stand up for myself. So tell us more about neuro communication and specifically how does. A woman who is maybe experiencing the same moment in time or moment in their career, how do they use that to their advantage to, to rise above and to move forward into their careers, communicating well and, and keeping all of that in mind. What's so fascinating about neuro communication is we have neuroscience to back it up. That's why I love this. It's not just saying communication. I'll take a communication class. It's really understanding your state, your trigger, and um, your rapport building. So we think we have to defend ourself. That already puts us in a defense. So what we want to do is have no resistance. Then there's no, there's no attack. So neuro communication, we use certain specific words versus other words. All our words are based in the, the higher brain, not the mid. So something like, you can't talk to me like that is a mid-brain response. Well, thank you for sharing and let's move on to what's important. Is a high brain neuro communication response. Do you see how it keeps our state calm? We can still enjoy the process. And here's the other thing, Alyssa, is when we're use neuro communication, we have more influence because we're starting to build rapport from the other person. We're not criticizing, we're not defending, we're not in contempt. Those are all what people tend to use when somebody says something. Um, so it's really important when we're working with clients that we figure out what are their triggers and how they can work through that.'cause that is what changes the game, truly. And I think it's important. Two, one, I love that it's backed in science and not something that feels like, like a, like a magic wand that you have to wave and figure out, or you have to go get a PhD in communications in order to successfully use it. But I like that you specifically individualize it for. Their triggers because everybody has different things that like really bothers me, bothers people. So for me, you were allowed to criticize me all day long. I will take feedback all day long. I have no ego in that. Um, but I have discovered if you like. Downplay or try to minimize anyone on my team. I literally like feel the rage bursting up through my my head because you can talk all the shit you want about me, but you don't say a word about the people that I work with, that I, that I value and that I respect and I had to learn like, okay, if someone is going to give me feedback of any kind, constructive, or not about people that I work with, I have to like prepare to chill out about it and hear it and then take it for what it is. Yeah.'cause that's, we call that a protector trigger. I'm okay, but don't mess with other people. So when we get underneath that, we ask ourselves, there's really three questions. Yes. Uh, what did that trigger say about my belonging, my capabilities, or, uh, my connection with people? And for that one, once you uncover that, so you already know that. So the key would be uncovering that and then working with it because the trigger, as you know, really pulls. Your influence or ability to navigate other people. And that's what we wanna do. I really want you to be able to, and everyone, to navigate people and we, we can't do that if we're not self-aware of what are the things. It's usually three to five things that will trigger us. So we call it our trigger. Our trigger loop. And. It is customized 'cause yours is gonna be different than someone else. It's based somewhat in personality. So we always give someone the personality, we give them their unique abilities quotient, and it is learnable at every level. That's what's so cool about it. It's we map it out where they start and we say, this is the next level for you to do. And we pull words out of their vocabulary that will cause triggers. We'll just pull 'em out. We can't use these, but I will replace these with these. We also, so it's not just about, it's not just about figuring out how to not have yourself be triggered and like control your own response to these situations, but it's also, you also help people figure out how to make sure they're not unintentionally triggering people that they're working with. Is that right? Yes. So you start with yourself. Then when you get yourself understood, you really can navigate other people. So we call them neuro clusters, if that's okay to say that. That's the word I I have term. And what we teach them is how to use language to pull people in, how to use language to calm people down. How to not take their trigger personally.'cause it's not a personal thing. People get triggered by their perception of what somebody said. That's all triggers. Right. And it might be rooted in some history that you have no idea, right? Like if you come and criticize a woman about the way her handwriting looks for all you know, that's what her mom criticized her for her entire life. And now you just made her remember her mom. I. Right. And what, what we wanna do is just. Understand, they're not even aware, like you said. And what we wanna do is make sure we don't at all, like add to the trigger that you know, so we ask good what questions is another thing, and that opens the door. It doesn't necessarily have to bring up the whole story, but it opens a door for them to release some of that while you're there and then they suddenly start seeing you as a person that can navigate them. And you build a lot of influence that way because you're being authentic and you're helping them understand that what you're saying is really not meant to also be a part of that trigger. It has nothing to do with that piece. It's, I like that you say, um, you know, language to prevent them from having a trigger, but also language to draw them in and make them feel connected. Because for a lot of us, we are just looking in the world for people who will see us and say, I get you. yes. looking for that, whether it's at work, socially, in our families, like all of those things that is a base human want. And maybe even, maybe I'll go as far to say need. Um, but let me ask you this question. I have incur experienced people who I would say are very, very good at this and do not use it for good. Um, I actually worked with someone who talked about how he. Uh, he on purpose would, would tear people down so that he could be the one to build them back up because then he was their savior in that moment. And like he was gonna make sure he would say something like, it's really important to make sure that we break people down all the way so that when we build them back up, they feel really connected to us. And I remember being like, you're admitting that out loud, like on purpose. Yeah. And that kind of unethical, you know, and justifies the mean, you know. There are some people that are out there. You wanna avoid those, and you definitely don't want to do that because people can tell that we don't need it. It's opposite neuro language. You're not tearing anybody down. You're doing exactly what you said. People want to be seen and they want to be seen differently than you want to be seen. So we kind of go around. Yeah, they want to be acknowledged for that or they, they really like us to be direct. No, that's not true. What we want to do. Is create like a bridge from their persona to ours and acknowledge 'em in the areas, uh, to be acknowledged. So for example, let's say if we have a, a certain person that is giving, um, some acknowledgements to our team, what that tells us is that person actually wants to be seen for and recognized for the fact that they're a caring giving person. We wanna acknowledge them back. So people give us clues of what honors them, what acknowledges them, and what sees how we see them. We just have to listen and that's what, and have enough. I mean, you already made this point, like have enough self-awareness to realize like, okay, this is how I want to be acknowledged. Now that I know that, can I see if anyone else is putting out the signals into our, our communication and am I savvy enough to pick up on them or do I have the skills, I guess is probably the right word to pick up on them. And you said the right word. It's skills. It's not, uh, it's not a, a thing we just are born with. It's a developed skill of listening for the cues and stop. Communicating out of our worry about what other people think. It's really, I'm gonna listen. I'm going to build rapport because I'm curious and I'm compassionate about that other person. Yeah. I think that everything you're saying is, is really important and I wanna hone in on the skill piece because I think there's a lot of people who. Assume that being empathetic and compassionate or being a great leader or being charismatic are things that people are just born with, which I believe is wrong. I think you can learn all of those things. So take us down the process. Someone is hearing this or listening to this podcast, and they say, I need to be better at this. What is the first, you know, one small step you would have them start doing in order to head down this path that you're describing? Alyssa, you. Are spot on. It is a developed trait. So the first thing I do at the platform is we have them think of what are their major triggers so that we can start with them. And along that I give them literally words that are, words that you can use that will help here, and then pull these words out. So if we start with our understanding of self. And have new words to replace what we're telling ourselves, we'll have a lot more space to move. That makes sense. So we will give them, um, instead of using this, use this. And so you're still authentic, but we are rewiring your language. So you're giving, uh, like a la a very good, very clear message of how to move forward. Very concrete, and we need to do that with people so that they can, it's attainable, like our brain needs to see, what do you want me to do so I can do that? Right? So we'll, we'll write those down in front of them. We'll say you can't use these and immediately go into the practice of leaning into the uncomfortable of switching your language based on your trigger. What do you think is hardest for people to, do you think it's harder for them to figure out their own triggers and then, um, change the way they react to it? Or do you think it's harder for them to change the way they speak to others to minimize triggering them? I love that question. So let me think through all my experience it. I think here, here's what I think. I think there are certain people. That will get triggered, right? But they seem like they navigate people. So you could say, well, they're better at navigating people, but what it comes down to is it's harder for them to understand. The trigger is not real. That you don't have to have that because there's some people that will get triggered and not, you won't see it on their face. And so they communicate kind of like that, but then they're still triggered. So I think that's the foundation, if you understand. Your triggers understand that they're not true. You're gonna navigate communication much better and authentically, not have to walk away from the conversation and breathe like, oh my gosh. Right? I, I had to pretend because I didn't want them to be angry. There's a lot of pretending I said this, so that would kind of lessen. Softeners are not a great thing. You know, softeners and hedgers, people have learned to use those. That's not a great thing. That still means you're triggered. Right. Yeah. If I am a leader of a team, so I am a VP or a director or someone, I have direct reports. And I'm, I'm hearing this and I'm seeing like, okay, we're having some dynamic issues inside of my team. We have very talented people, but we just have not figured out how, we have not jelled, we have not meshed, and maybe it's because of this. How can I start to facilitate this process when. I'm, I have people who report to me who either A, might not be super bought in to this concept, or B, maybe don't feel psychologically safe enough to have a real conversation about what is going on. Oh, I love that because that is a lot of reason why people won't, leaders won't do it. Well, I'll just do. I'll try to learn my thing. The way you do that is you introduce it at the knowledge level. That's why I like science. You introduce that these words are the words that we're gonna start using and we are going to stop with any gossip because that's, and you can say statistically what that does to our environment. But if you can share, we're all kind of on a, we're on a journey and we all know we wanna get better and here's what I, what we have learned about neuroscience of words that we all can take away. You start on a knowledge and you still hold in accountability around the knowledge. Like, we are not gonna use this. These words, we're gonna use this word, these words, um, it already starts changing the culture. It's very safe to start at that level. And when they see you role modeling that also you start a foundation of knowledge. And then the next one is to build some phrases that they write above it that they want for their culture. And then that's when you build psychological safety. So at the same time, if you're a leader, you really wanna dig in deep, so you're using more of those neuro clusters. And so your communication calms the environment, calms the culture. So used the word environment, and that's actually perfect for the question that popped into my head, right? So if we think about. Like the concept of an ecosystem, right? When you have a group of people and you're in an ecosystem and, uh, something comes in and changes the environment. So for example, I have a beautiful thing of like roses and climbing roses and clima trellis over there. Um, we took down a huge tree that was blocking their son and was like at risk of falling on our house. And then all of a sudden, all of my vines died. They'd been thriving all summer long, but the tree was gone and they died. So we changed something about the environment and my plants died. And we see this a lot with teams either. Someone who's kind of a linchpin personality leaves or some new thing come, some new person comes in and, and kind of changes the dynamic. So when you're a leader and you finally got it tuned in and you're really proud of, of your communication and your team's ability to gel and somebody their a leaves or someone else comes in, how do you handle that? Like, do you have to start over? Is it a reset? Is it a, is it a, a reimagining? What happens in that situation? I love it. If you're at the level of psychological safety and you have a culture code, you by then, and this is the practice. This is a big difference between management, leadership. People say I'm a leader and really they're a manager. If you're a leader, it is very hone in and you have buy-in, so what you're going to do is if someone leaves, you're gonna have them part of the bringing on someone. You're gonna say for the first 30 days, you have to remember, this person has not been in our culture. So what we want you to do is share the culture at its highest level. If you see something that's incongruent, go ahead and have a conversation around that or just make a note, but there's no dropping the expectation. It's that we're gonna bring them up, but it takes some time. So you give it, let's notice the first two weeks, um, then let's go 30 days. And it's giving people permission to learn your culture and about by 90 days. If you do this very methodical, that person will hear from other people and they will say, and this happens all the time with my, they'll say, I just. I feel something different in this culture. It's very clear that I, I needed to stop. I don't, I can't gossip any, I don't gossip anymore. I trust that people, if somebody, uh, has something to say, they're gonna say it in a feed forward. There's no such thing as, can I offer you criticism? There's not that phrase is ever used. Um, and I feel compelled to grow because this is a culture that inspires me to learn the language, and that's what we see so often. Um, there's no falling down of the culture, but there is a transition of bringing somebody into the wave and helping them understand like, this is what it looks like. I am over here taking like furious notes.'cause you said three things that I just wanna like highlight as mic drop moments that I think people really need to to think about. So one you said the difference between, uh, managers and leaders is that leaders have. Buy-in. And I think that that is so important because a lot of people will say, well, I'm a leader of my department, or I'm a leader of my team. And then when I ask them, you know, like what initiative are they most proud of? Or what thing has challenged their team that they've really worked through? And then you see like the lights are on, but nobody's home 'cause they can't think of anything. And so like we see that all the time, right? But if you have buy-in, you're a leader. And I, I think that's a really nice distinction, a simple distinction, because too many people confuse. The leadership as an active quality versus you've been given a role and it's not the same. It is totally different. Totally different. Yeah. So leader leadership means that you have built the skill of communicating, listening, and acknowledging. So you have buy-in. A manager means I have a role and most people use those interchangeably. I did a PhD in it just to make sure that they're very different. They're like two different planets apart. So one is somebody cares so much about, um, building people up that they're going to develop themselves. The other one is I care so much about how I'm being seen. I wanna roll. There's a big difference. You might be a leader who is also a manager, but just because you're a manager doesn't mean you're a leader. Yes. Well, well said. Exactly. The other thing that you said, um, that seems to be a common theme in these conversations, you said was permission to learn your culture. And I think that that's really important for us as leaders to understand is that sometimes people need permission or need to feel like they have permission to make mistakes, to step into new opportunities to not be perfect at what they are doing. Um, and I think we have to like. Openly give that permission and not just assume it's implied because you don't know what situation they're coming from. If they're joining your team, like they might have come from a super micromanaged situation where the boss was over the shoulder and that's that they have to almost shed that trauma, I guess is the right yeah, it, yeah, they, so. When we say transparency, leaders are transparent. It doesn't mean we're like just being direct. What it means is we know how to navigate people into our culture. So you want to think about exactly where, where might have they come from. Ask some good questions. What have you come to learn as leadership for you? How do you know that people are noticing you in the culture that is? Giving them permission to share with you where they're coming from, and then it allows you to know how to help them move forward from that. Yeah. The other kind of like mic drop moment that I think we, uh, are most likely gonna leave it on is you said that people need to feel something on their team. The idea that like in this, on this team we, you know, don't gossip. And on this team we, you know, give feedback directly. And on this team we take accountability. Like all of those things that you mentioned, but you used the word feel something and. I think that that is so profound because they need to be able to feel it. Whether or not they can articulate what makes your team different than other teams or what your team's approach to things is. They can, if they can feel it, then they will understand it and eventually they'll be able, able to articulate it, but they have to feel it first. Yeah, and that's, that is what we call is generous authority. It means you have led from the heart, they feel it. And that piece that you said, they embody it. They, it's so true to them that it generates and that's what leads to buy-in. So, this part. Yeah. so thinking about all of the incredible people that you know or aspire to know, who is leading the charge, who is taking back Monday? Well, where I'm at now, actually, Michael Singer is taking back Monday. I love his response to being responsible for our triggers. Stop making the world a more difficult piece. Stop taking revenge, start seeing it as a compassionate place because whatever we choose to see is what we're gonna see. Is there still things that are wrong? Yes. But I love that fact that it is about, in our leadership roles, in our roles with our team, let's stop projecting things that are negative and let's start figuring out it's really a trigger from the past. How can we raise each other up? And so that is my. That is where I'm guided to say this is who's taking Monday back in a way that is very authentic, very doable, and so empowering. And Dr. D, if someone is really connecting with you, they wanna learn more, they wanna learn more about neuro communication, where can they find you online? Awesome. If you go to stuck cycles.com and you could take our, we give you a free inventory. There's also a discovery call there. If you wanna go directly to me and bypass the inventory, go to um stuck stuckcycles.com and click on just talk to dr. D and I'd be happy to see where you're at in your life and what is the most prominent thing you wanna see differently. And that's where we would start. Thank you so much for joining me on taking back Monday. This was a fascinating conversation that I think is really gonna help a lot of people. Thank you and thank you for doing this work because people need to hear it. So thank you.